Get Engaged? Before You Set the Date There’s One Thing You Need to Do

by Sally Matheny


Get Engaged? Before You Set the Date...

Are you thinking about getting engaged?

Apparently, many guys think Christmas and New Year’s Eve are great times to bend a knee and propose to their sweeties. Studies show December is the most popular month for engagements. 

Did you recently get engaged? 

Congratulations! But before you set the date, there’s one thing you need to do.

Seek Premarital Counseling

Seek Christian counseling. This bit of advice may challenge your way of thinking, but it’s worth considering, especially if it can help save your marriage down the road.

Most Christian pastors require four to six premarital counseling sessions with the couple. It is common to see these sessions take place one or two months before the wedding.

This is where I think a change needs to occur. By that time, most of the wedding details are set, sealed, and delivered. Invitations are mailed, venues secured, food and flowers are ordered, and non-refundable deposits made.
How many brides do you think would suggest a longer engagement, to work out some relational issues, if all those wedding arrangements are already in motion? Perhaps premarital counseling should begin before a wedding date is set.

Discuss difficult issues. Communicate personal convictions and goals. A caring pastor will guide you to think about things you may have never considered before. 


Be Brave and Wise 


If the counseling sessions cause you to question your readiness "for better or for worse, until death do you part"—then be brave and wait. 

Perhaps you think you’ve waited long enough. You believe there’s nothing love can’t solve. You say, “You can’t be prepared for everything. Sometimes you have to take life as it comes.”

There’s some truth to that. But consider this. The average couple is engaged for thirteen to eighteen months before they say “I do.” There are a zillion things to do when preparing for a wedding. So much time is invested in coordinating colors, locating the perfect venue, and securing the best wedding cake baker in town.

Shouldn’t godly counsel have as much, if not more, consideration than color swatches, when preparing for a life-changing event?

Prepare for Satan's Fastballs

Shortly after the wedding, Satan will throw his first fastball at your marriage. 

Will what you learned from watching all those Say Yes to the Dress shows be helpful then?

Will the wedding photographer, the florist, or the  musicians be there for you during the challenging times in your marriage?

Communicate and Persevere: An Interview with Martin and Joanna Pistorius

by Sally Matheny

Martin and Joanna Pistorius
(Photo courtesy of M. Pistorius)

How wonderful would it be to have a story so powerful the world asked for it in over twenty-five languages? 

In June 2015, I posted a review of an amazing book, Ghost Boy, written by Martin Pistorius. The following October, I conducted an interview with Martin’s wife, Joanna. Since then, Martin and Joanna have been living out their testimonies of love, hope, and faith.

Martin is featured in multiple venues including The Huffington Post, The Washington Post, USA Today, on the Today Show, and on Fox News. I don’t think it’s just the fact that Ghost Boy is a New York Times bestseller. Martin and Joanna have something special that people want to hear more about.

Before we catch up with them, let me refresh your memory on Martin's story.

Last family photo before Martin's illness
(Photo courtesy of M. Pistorius)

At age 12, he lost his voice due to a mysterious illness. Within eighteen months he became a mute quadriplegic. The doctors compared Martin’s mind to that of an infant’s and stated he would die within two years.

He did not die. He became "invisible."  

For four years, Martin was in a waking coma state in an unresponsive shell, unseeing and unknowing of his surroundings. 

Then, around age sixteen, his mind slowly woke up. But, his body did not.

Martin Pistorius
(photo courtesy of M. Pistorius)

For ten years, his mind was completely aware—aware that he was trapped inside an unresponsive body and unable to communicate with others. Martin wasn't paralyzed, but no matter how hard he tried, he had no control of his spastic muscles, his curled fingers, or the voice that disappeared with his childhood. Without communication, he remained unheard.

Then all that changed when a therapist noticed a glint of understanding in Martin’s face. By 2001, even though his voice never returned, Martin learned to communicate again via use of a computer.

Several years later, Martin, a native of South Africa, fell in love with a social worker in England. He and Joanna were married in 2009. In 2010, Martin started his own business as a web designer. 

When Thomas Nelson published Ghost Boy in 2013, its message of perseverance and hope began circulating the world. It’s still going strong, as are Martin and Joanna, who kindly agreed to another interview.

First of all, congratulations on the celebration of your eighth wedding anniversary!  Several blog readers are newlyweds. Any words of wisdom you’d like to share with them?

Mr. and Mrs. Martin Pistorius
(courtesy of M. Pistorius)

“Thank you. 
As it is stated in Genesis 2:24 begin your new life as a married couple by not only physically leaving your parents, but emotionally. Establish boundaries, cling to and depend on each other. It’s important to take the time to become one with each other.

Focus on each other – if your focus is how to serve, support and love your partner then you are more likely to meet each other’s needs. 

Continue to do the little things you did for each other when you first met. It’s also important to make time for each other, even if that is simply to sit in each other’s arms and watch a movie.  

Always be honest and open with each other – you should be able to tell each other anything.”

That’s great advice! Taking time to focus on one another makes a huge difference.

Speaking of making a difference--most writers long to write a book that will influence the world. I know Ghost Boy changed my perspective.

Martin, you’re such a humble man, so I want to ask Joanna this next question. Joanna, I’m sure you’ve heard how Martin’s book has influenced people’s lives. Is there one story that stands out in your mind you’d be willing to share with us?

“Martin received a message from a mother that thanked him for Ghost Boy. Her daughter had been in a vegetative state for over 20 years. Having seen Martin on TV she got the audiobook of Ghost Boy. After her daughter had listened to Martin’s book, her daughter started making attempts to communicate. Through a lot of hard work, and plenty of support, her daughter is now communicating. The transformation has been truly remarkable! “

That is amazing! What a blessing it is to hear stories like that. Communication is so important. Not long ago, I listened to Martin’s TED talk online. He shared a powerful thought about communication.

"Communication is what makes us human, enabling us to connect on the deepest level with those around us. True communication increases understanding and creates a more caring and compassionate world."

Young Couple Made a Wise Decision Before Announcing Engagement

by Sally Matheny

Young Couple Made a Wise Decision
Before Announcing Engagement

Not long ago, I wrote a post encouraging young couples to seek godly counsel, or work through a Biblical workbook, before setting a wedding date.  

Since my husband is a pastor, we have several copies of a Bible study workbook titled, Before You Say I Do, by Norman Wright. He uses this book when counseling young, engaged couples.

Much to our delight, several months before our daughter became engaged; she and her boyfriend, Samuel, asked if they could have a copy of the workbook. Even though they both regularly talk to their pastors, they wanted to work through the book together while they were away at college. It took some finagling, but they squeezed the Bible study in between their classes and work schedules. 

Since the post,  Get Engaged? Before You Set the Date, There’s One Thing You Need to Do ranks in the top ten of most viewed posts; I thought you might like to hear from Emily and Samuel about their experience of working through the Before You Say I Do book together. Here is our conversation.

Faith, Hope, and Love: An Interview with Joanna Pistorius, Wife of Ghost Boy Author, Martin Pistorius

by Sally Matheny

Martin and Joanna Pistorius
Embrace Faith, Hope, and Love

Several months ago, I wrote a book review of Ghost Boy, by Martin Pistorius. Gems of his remarkable life story nestled in my mind. One facet that continued to shine was how faith, hope, and love grew when he met his wife, Joanna. It made such an impression that I hoped to talk one day with Joanna. 

She and Martin were on a book signing tour in Norway when I caught up with them. Joanna graciously agreed to talk with me when they returned home to England.

If you have not read Ghost Boy yet, Martin tells an amazing story of going from a healthy twelve-year-old boy to living in a waking coma state, unseeing and unknowing of his surroundings. 

Four years later, his mind slowly wakes up. But his body does not.  

Then, for ten more years, his mind is completely aware—aware that he is trapped inside an unresponsive body and powerless to communicate with others.

You’ll have to read the book to get the whole story of Martin’s incredible journey. Eventually, he is able to communicate and he meets Joanna. Both Joanna and Martin are originally from South Africa. However, Joanna was working as a social worker in England when she and Martin were first introduced. 

Martin’s sister and one of Joanna’s friends were roommates in England. All three girls were together when Martin’s sister contacted him in South Africa on New Year’s Day in 2008. It was during this Internet Skype conversation that Joanna first met Martin.

Immediately, she was attracted to Martin’s kind heart and infectious smile. The feeling was mutual and their online friendship began.

Interview with Nan Jones: Author of The Perils of a Pastor's Wife

by Sally Matheny

Nan Jones

I am delighted to share with you an interview with Nan Jones, the author of The Perils of a Pastor’s Wife. I first met Nan at a Christian Devotions writers’ conference in 2012. Immediately, I sensed a beautiful aroma of Christ about her.

Over the years, Nan has experienced sunny days and hailstorms. Through it all, Nan has learned to cling tightly to her spiritual roots in Jesus Christ. She continues to offer a beautiful, fragrant offering to Christ, as she encourages others who are struggling to find God’s presence.

Date Your Mate

by Sally Matheny

May is Date Your Mate Month

Are you married? Did you know May is “Date Your Mate” month? It’s essential we put caring for Biblically based marriages at the top of our lists. Christians, our marriages are influential testimonies to the love and power of God.

Perhaps you already date your spouse on a regular basis. Fantastic! Or perhaps you’re like me, and you find date nights just don’t come around often enough.  Let’s put aside all our excuses and brainstorm for some ideas on how to make date nights happen.

Beating the Odds & Staying Married (but Happily?)

by Sally Matheny

     by Sally Matheny

Beating the Odds & Staying Married

     He was the annoying little brother of one of my high school friends. The first time I went home with my friend, he hid, then pelted us with multi-colored marshmallows.

     
     I’ll never forget his first three words to me. Pressing his palm to his forehead, he flexed his little arm and said, “Feel that muscle!” He acted like your typical ten-year-old, except he was thirteen at the time.

     That took place back in 1979. By 1989, we were vowing to love one another for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health—and only death could separate us.

    

     Wow. That’s a heavy promise. Most people can’t really imagine what the worse, poor, or sick days will be like when they’re standing there in the blissful moments of their wedding day.

     Yet, the divorce statistics are staggering, even among evangelical Christians. Studies report the chances of divorce increase with every year of marriage. So, what’s the secret of those who are beating the odds and staying married? Moreover, are they happily married?

   

     A plethora of sources offer marriage advice, but one must choose wisely. Our primary source must be of the highest standard.    

     So, what does the Bible say about marriage? A great article in Christianity Today answers this. After the scripture is discussed, the article concludes with a quote by author of Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas:  

"What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"     

     Hmm…there’s a thought. Quite often, we enter marriage with high expectations of what our spouse will provide towards our happiness. Sometimes our focus on God blurs. We seek fulfillment and affirmation solely from our spouse. Because we are all imperfect humans, this strategy ultimately will fall short.

     How often do you hear people say they are not happy in their marriage? They don’t love one another anymore. Things aren’t working out as they had planned. One feels they’re carrying the whole load. Each blames the other. It’s too much work.

     Promising to love each other through the stretches of illness, the not-so-wealthy days, and the all-inclusive “worse” days, guarantees not every day is headed for wedded bliss.

     Success for a long-lasting marriage boils down to how you define love. If you base it on the world’s standards, your marriage will most likely be an exhausting struggle in which everyone loses.

An example of the purest love.

     If we vow to love one another, in the presence of God, shouldn’t we strive for His standard?  If we want an example of the purest love, we need not look any further than that of Jesus Christ.      

     Everyone has flaws. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to follow Christ’s example. 
  
     Daily we pour our hearts out before the Lord. Then ask Him to fill them back up with 
His power to help us love our spouses the way He does.  This is not just praying for God to give us a feeling. It takes work.     

     Yes, work. Our sinful nature has a tendency to look towards our own selfish desires first. It takes a conscientious effort to put our spouse’s needs before our own. It’s easy to love them when they act lovable. Learning how to treat a spouse with love, despite how he/she behaves towards us—that’s not easy to do at all.

     We must learn from the Master, who shows love to us when we are so unworthy. A successful marriage, one that has a continual undercurrent of joy, is based on a couple’s resolve to choose to love each other in thoughts, words, and deeds regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

     My husband and I celebrated our 25^th anniversary this summer. Is he still annoying like he was the day I met him? Sometimes.  Have I ever aggravated him? Absolutely.

     The times we struggled the most in our marriage were the times we focused less on God and more on ourselves. Our marriage grew deeper (and sweeter!) once we stopped roller-coasting on an emotion and began intentionally cultivating our relationship. 

     Regular times of reading the Bible and praying together took our relationship to a much deeper level. Christ’s love is what binds us, what encourages us, and keeps us going when times get tough.  

     We’re beating the odds because we're not gambling with worldly "wisdom." We’ve placed our lives, and our marriage, on the winning team of Jesus Christ.  
    
      Are we happily married? Yes! Most days.

     On the worse days, we choose to dig deep, and stand on a firm foundation of true love.    

Preserving Your Wedding Dress and Your Marriage

     When my husband and I celebrated our twenty-fourth anniversary, we went out to eat dinner. On the way home, my oldest daughter texted me asking what time we would return. I gave her an estimate and asked her why. She just sent me a smiley face so I knew she and the other two young’ns were up to something.

     I had told her that after we came home from our date we would open up my wedding dress. The dress had been professionally cleaned and preserved after our wedding. It had been stored in a box underneath my bed for the past twenty-four years. I thought perhaps the smiley face text pertained to opening the dress. She and I planned to cut a piece of satin and lace from it and use it to wrap around her bridal bouquet. Her wedding was only two weeks away.

 

     When we arrived home, our three children greeted us at the door. They were all dressed up, which is no small feat for our eight-year-old son. He considers dressy clothes scratchy and every Sunday morning is an ordeal. However, his sisters said he got all excited about surprising us and didn’t complain once. The girls looked beautiful as they ushered us into the house.

     Music filled the room. They had found our wedding video and had it playing as we walked into the den. They must have rounded up every candle in the house (including all the tea lights) and had those lit. Pink roses from our rose bush adorned the coffee table. Chocolate muffins and sparkling grape juice awaited us. Also, there was a unique design of dominoes at the fireplace. Evidently, our son took great pleasure in diligently setting up two heart shapes, each encircling a tea light candle. He couldn’t find the tea light candle holders, but the little silver casing around the candles looked precious to me.

     We all sat down and watched the wedding video. Comments about the eighties' hairstyles came from the girls. Comments about who had hair then, and doesn’t now, came from my hubby.

     Watching the video brought back sweet memories of that day. My favorite part was when my husband sang to me during our wedding. He still melts my heart when he sings.

     The video ended and we enjoyed our muffins and grape juice. Then, the girls and I went to pull the box from underneath the bed.

     I warned them that preserving a dress was risky. Because it was sealed up, how did I know they did a good job preserving it? Had it turned yellow? For that matter, how did I know they even sealed the right dress in there? The dry cleaner that preserved it went out of business long ago. 

     Pulling the box out, I brushed off the dust. We pulled the packaging tape off. Opening the box, we saw another box inside. We removed the tape from that one and pulled out yet another box! This box was trimmed in gold so we knew it must be the one containing the dress. We lifted the lid and there it was—my beautiful wedding dress.

    The youngest daughter begged to try it on first since her sister would be wearing her own wedding dress in just a few weeks. It fit her and she hurried out to show her daddy. She looked gorgeous. 

     I tried on the veil, because I knew if the dress fit her, it certainly wasn’t going to fit me. Yeah! The veil still fits! (hee…hee…)

     Then, the oldest tried it on. It fit her beautifully, too.

     It was a fun and special night. We have sweet and thoughtful kids. We're so thankful for them. It has always been our prayer that God sends them all wonderful, Christian mates.

     Surprisingly, my wedding dress stayed well preserved. Part of that big bow on the derriere will make a nice wrap for my daughter’s bridal bouquet. There’s plenty for the other kids’ weddings if they decide they want to use it in some way. I don’t know if the dress would have lasted a “lifetime” as stated but overall it was well preserved.

     Each of the boxes had interesting messages on them. They made me think of preserving a marriage for a lifetime.

The first box was labeled:

Fragile, Handle With Care-
Top Freight Only

     A marriage is something to be treasured, held close, and protected.

     A spouse’s heart is fragile and should be handled with the utmost care. A marriage becomes strong by building it on the foundation of Christ.

     Top freight means the item is so delicate it is placed on top of everything else, less it suffers damage. A marriage should take top priority if it is to be healthy and happy and if it is to last a lifetime.

The second box was labeled:

Lifetime of Loveliness-A Thing of Beauthy is a Joy Forever

     Well, you and I know this dress is not going to last forever. No matter how beautiful a “thing” is, it isn’t going to last forever.
     True beauty shines through by the Spirit within. I believe this is the kind of beauty that lasts forever.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  Proverbs 31:30

 Then, we read the words:

to forever cherish...your lovely wedding gown preserved
for a lifetime of happy memories

     I don’t know. Makes you wonder if some people think more of the dress than the spouse!

    God presented me with a wonderful man, not a perfect man, but a man who loves the Lord. Because of our growing love for Christ, I think we will forever cherish our marriage. I look forward to a “lifetime of happiness” and “loveliness.”

 “Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.”     

Philippians 4:8