Beating the Odds & Staying Married (but Happily?)

by Sally Matheny

     by Sally Matheny

Beating the Odds & Staying Married

     He was the annoying little brother of one of my high school friends. The first time I went home with my friend, he hid, then pelted us with multi-colored marshmallows.

     
     I’ll never forget his first three words to me. Pressing his palm to his forehead, he flexed his little arm and said, “Feel that muscle!” He acted like your typical ten-year-old, except he was thirteen at the time.

     That took place back in 1979. By 1989, we were vowing to love one another for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health—and only death could separate us.

    

     Wow. That’s a heavy promise. Most people can’t really imagine what the worse, poor, or sick days will be like when they’re standing there in the blissful moments of their wedding day.

     Yet, the divorce statistics are staggering, even among evangelical Christians. Studies report the chances of divorce increase with every year of marriage. So, what’s the secret of those who are beating the odds and staying married? Moreover, are they happily married?

   

     A plethora of sources offer marriage advice, but one must choose wisely. Our primary source must be of the highest standard.    

     So, what does the Bible say about marriage? A great article in Christianity Today answers this. After the scripture is discussed, the article concludes with a quote by author of Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas:  

"What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"     

     Hmm…there’s a thought. Quite often, we enter marriage with high expectations of what our spouse will provide towards our happiness. Sometimes our focus on God blurs. We seek fulfillment and affirmation solely from our spouse. Because we are all imperfect humans, this strategy ultimately will fall short.

     How often do you hear people say they are not happy in their marriage? They don’t love one another anymore. Things aren’t working out as they had planned. One feels they’re carrying the whole load. Each blames the other. It’s too much work.

     Promising to love each other through the stretches of illness, the not-so-wealthy days, and the all-inclusive “worse” days, guarantees not every day is headed for wedded bliss.

     Success for a long-lasting marriage boils down to how you define love. If you base it on the world’s standards, your marriage will most likely be an exhausting struggle in which everyone loses.

An example of the purest love.

     If we vow to love one another, in the presence of God, shouldn’t we strive for His standard?  If we want an example of the purest love, we need not look any further than that of Jesus Christ.      

     Everyone has flaws. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to follow Christ’s example. 
  
     Daily we pour our hearts out before the Lord. Then ask Him to fill them back up with 
His power to help us love our spouses the way He does.  This is not just praying for God to give us a feeling. It takes work.     

     Yes, work. Our sinful nature has a tendency to look towards our own selfish desires first. It takes a conscientious effort to put our spouse’s needs before our own. It’s easy to love them when they act lovable. Learning how to treat a spouse with love, despite how he/she behaves towards us—that’s not easy to do at all.

     We must learn from the Master, who shows love to us when we are so unworthy. A successful marriage, one that has a continual undercurrent of joy, is based on a couple’s resolve to choose to love each other in thoughts, words, and deeds regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

     My husband and I celebrated our 25^th anniversary this summer. Is he still annoying like he was the day I met him? Sometimes.  Have I ever aggravated him? Absolutely.

     The times we struggled the most in our marriage were the times we focused less on God and more on ourselves. Our marriage grew deeper (and sweeter!) once we stopped roller-coasting on an emotion and began intentionally cultivating our relationship. 

     Regular times of reading the Bible and praying together took our relationship to a much deeper level. Christ’s love is what binds us, what encourages us, and keeps us going when times get tough.  

     We’re beating the odds because we're not gambling with worldly "wisdom." We’ve placed our lives, and our marriage, on the winning team of Jesus Christ.  
    
      Are we happily married? Yes! Most days.

     On the worse days, we choose to dig deep, and stand on a firm foundation of true love.    

Preserving Your Wedding Dress and Your Marriage

     When my husband and I celebrated our twenty-fourth anniversary, we went out to eat dinner. On the way home, my oldest daughter texted me asking what time we would return. I gave her an estimate and asked her why. She just sent me a smiley face so I knew she and the other two young’ns were up to something.

     I had told her that after we came home from our date we would open up my wedding dress. The dress had been professionally cleaned and preserved after our wedding. It had been stored in a box underneath my bed for the past twenty-four years. I thought perhaps the smiley face text pertained to opening the dress. She and I planned to cut a piece of satin and lace from it and use it to wrap around her bridal bouquet. Her wedding was only two weeks away.

 

     When we arrived home, our three children greeted us at the door. They were all dressed up, which is no small feat for our eight-year-old son. He considers dressy clothes scratchy and every Sunday morning is an ordeal. However, his sisters said he got all excited about surprising us and didn’t complain once. The girls looked beautiful as they ushered us into the house.

     Music filled the room. They had found our wedding video and had it playing as we walked into the den. They must have rounded up every candle in the house (including all the tea lights) and had those lit. Pink roses from our rose bush adorned the coffee table. Chocolate muffins and sparkling grape juice awaited us. Also, there was a unique design of dominoes at the fireplace. Evidently, our son took great pleasure in diligently setting up two heart shapes, each encircling a tea light candle. He couldn’t find the tea light candle holders, but the little silver casing around the candles looked precious to me.

     We all sat down and watched the wedding video. Comments about the eighties' hairstyles came from the girls. Comments about who had hair then, and doesn’t now, came from my hubby.

     Watching the video brought back sweet memories of that day. My favorite part was when my husband sang to me during our wedding. He still melts my heart when he sings.

     The video ended and we enjoyed our muffins and grape juice. Then, the girls and I went to pull the box from underneath the bed.

     I warned them that preserving a dress was risky. Because it was sealed up, how did I know they did a good job preserving it? Had it turned yellow? For that matter, how did I know they even sealed the right dress in there? The dry cleaner that preserved it went out of business long ago. 

     Pulling the box out, I brushed off the dust. We pulled the packaging tape off. Opening the box, we saw another box inside. We removed the tape from that one and pulled out yet another box! This box was trimmed in gold so we knew it must be the one containing the dress. We lifted the lid and there it was—my beautiful wedding dress.

    The youngest daughter begged to try it on first since her sister would be wearing her own wedding dress in just a few weeks. It fit her and she hurried out to show her daddy. She looked gorgeous. 

     I tried on the veil, because I knew if the dress fit her, it certainly wasn’t going to fit me. Yeah! The veil still fits! (hee…hee…)

     Then, the oldest tried it on. It fit her beautifully, too.

     It was a fun and special night. We have sweet and thoughtful kids. We're so thankful for them. It has always been our prayer that God sends them all wonderful, Christian mates.

     Surprisingly, my wedding dress stayed well preserved. Part of that big bow on the derriere will make a nice wrap for my daughter’s bridal bouquet. There’s plenty for the other kids’ weddings if they decide they want to use it in some way. I don’t know if the dress would have lasted a “lifetime” as stated but overall it was well preserved.

     Each of the boxes had interesting messages on them. They made me think of preserving a marriage for a lifetime.

The first box was labeled:

Fragile, Handle With Care-
Top Freight Only

     A marriage is something to be treasured, held close, and protected.

     A spouse’s heart is fragile and should be handled with the utmost care. A marriage becomes strong by building it on the foundation of Christ.

     Top freight means the item is so delicate it is placed on top of everything else, less it suffers damage. A marriage should take top priority if it is to be healthy and happy and if it is to last a lifetime.

The second box was labeled:

Lifetime of Loveliness-A Thing of Beauthy is a Joy Forever

     Well, you and I know this dress is not going to last forever. No matter how beautiful a “thing” is, it isn’t going to last forever.
     True beauty shines through by the Spirit within. I believe this is the kind of beauty that lasts forever.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  Proverbs 31:30

 Then, we read the words:

to forever cherish...your lovely wedding gown preserved
for a lifetime of happy memories

     I don’t know. Makes you wonder if some people think more of the dress than the spouse!

    God presented me with a wonderful man, not a perfect man, but a man who loves the Lord. Because of our growing love for Christ, I think we will forever cherish our marriage. I look forward to a “lifetime of happiness” and “loveliness.”

 “Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.”     

Philippians 4:8

Sweet Surprise

My sweet hubby surprised me on our twenty-third wedding anniversary with a trip to a bed-and-breakfast inn located in Hendersonville, N.C.

        Usually, if we go somewhere and need accommodations, I am the one who goes in search of the best buy, via the Internet. I’ll spend hours reading reviews (because while I want to be frugal, I still place high importance on cleanliness and quality).

        My husband did all the planning and made all the arrangements this time. His schedule doesn’t allow much time for frugal internet comparison-shopping. He just picked out something he thought looked nice.

Cindy Baer of Elizabeth Leigh Inn

        This inn was very nice! When we arrived, the innkeeper warmly welcomed us and gave us a tour of the beautifully restored Victorian home. Everything was gorgeously decorated with attention to the smallest detail.

Later, we enjoyed the innkeeper's freshly made, melt-in-your-mouth pound cake and home-made strawberry ice cream. The warm, summer air was perfect for eating on the large, wrap-around porch outside. Chirping birds and a bubbling water fountain added sweet peacefulness to our evening.

        Thanks to my prince charming, I felt like a princess. Spending time with him is always fun. I’m blessed to have a wonderful, Christian husband who has loved me enough to stick with me all this time. His love for Christ, love for people, and love for me blesses my heart immensely.